March 22nd, 2012: It had been a really tough week. Initial tests showed that my mom's cancer may be back... and back in a bad way. Even before he knew for sure, the doctor was preparing us for the worst. Something they usually don't do before they are certain.
My mom has been cancer free for years now, but when she had it a handful of years back, it was a very aggressive type, and if it was back, it was not going to be good.
Waiting is torture. Especially when it's something like this. I went through all these different emotions... I mean it's my mom... and I'm what you might call a mamma's boy:) I love her more than anything. I felt, scared, sad, scared again, confused, anxious, depressed, angry, helpless, stoic then totally emotional.... and then like a little kid... I'd even try denial for a few moments at a time. Waiting for something definitive... it was a long week.
It was Thursday, the day before the results were to be in, I'd gotten to a point where I was thinking about life... about death... I had put myself in a place of reflection of trying to just be able to accept whatever news came in... so that I could be there for my mom and yet also stay connected to my own feelings... and then everyone else in the family too. We all have our roles when something hard happens in life... and I wanted to fill mine in a meaningful way... a Christ centered way, that was good, honest, real. I had somewhere to be that day... I had an hour before I had to walk out the door but I had a full heart. It had that song feeling. Like something needed to happen. So I sat down at my old piano and found these simple chords and started singing and writing these words and melodies. I was thinking about how much energy I put into things in life that don't matter and how insignificant those things are at a moment like this. I was thinking about how beautiful life is... how fleeting and how it's just about right NOW. I'm alive. She's alive. Alive.
The next morning we got the news: She was fine. Wow. Wow. Wow. My wife Natalie and I cried and hugged and couldn't believe the instant relief that flooded out bodies. JOY.
We both made shirts with iron on letters that said "It's Benign!" and wore them when we went over to my parents house to celebrate her health.
What I kept thinking was: SHE WAS FINE THE WHOLE TIME! It was just a scare. Funny how things like this are... you go on this crazy ride... my first thought was how lame that is. But then I felt thankful... it's things like this that God uses sometimes to snap you back to reality, but to connection, back to what matters.
I'm so grateful for music, for songwriting, singing, recording... the whole process... this song reminded me in a big way, why I need it, why I love it, that for me it's not about anything but expression and connection. I hope you connect in some way to it. Thanks for reading:)... You're Alive. Celebrate.